The Birds and the Bees

The question most parents dread have been asked to me this morning in the shower.

My little L caught me off guard again. Shampooing his hair, he traced his finger on my CS scar. I asked him if he remembered the doctor pulling him out of my tummy. He answered, matter-of-factly, that he did remember – because I told him.

The topic bored him.  Then he asked THE question. Our conversation came out like this –

L: “Mom, how did you become a mom when you never married your boyfriend (Who happens to be his biological father, by the way)?”

Uhmmm…I answered, “Well, I didn’t need to get married to have you.”  Then he answers, “Why is it when people get married they have a baby?”

Uhmmm…”Not always true sweetie. Your tita (aunt) and tito (uncle) got married in April and they still don’t have a baby, right?”

(Silence…)

Whew…and then,

L:  “So…mom…how did you have me?”

Whuuuut? Will I pretend I did not hear him while I’m washing my hair? Haha. As if he would stop without getting an answer.

So I answered him honestly, “Well…it’s… SCIENCE…you know? (I have mastered this emergency escape button by throwing big words at him a couple of times.) It’s like when we plant seeds in the soil and the seeds grow in to plants…”

I think I did well somehow. I managed to answer him with the truth and he seemed satisfied with my explanation. This reminds me of a time when he was 4, he asked me – “Why don’t we have a complete family?” I believe he was asking this because they were learning this in preschool. And I told him, “You know, every family has a different story. Some families start out complete and other families start out incomplete yet. Our family has its own story…”

He also had a phase where he kept on asking for a baby sister and brother. He had names picked out already! Marleen and Jon. This went on for 1 whole year.  Well, I told him one time, “It’s not that easy. Mom needs a partner to start a bigger family. When I had you, I had a partner.” To this he answered, “Let’s find a NEW dad!” And, “Let’s go to the ‘Persons Store’ to buy a baby sister!”

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My Mantra

(A quick google definition in 0.25 seconds)
man·tra
ˈmantrə,ˈmän-/
noun
  1. (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.

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Something reminded me of my personal promise. I made this promise last year. Few days after I got my last tattoo.

This last one is actually a series (a trio?). And it reads:

“Io sono la mia Magia – Il mio Luce – Sempre nel Piacere”. A literal google translation to English  will give you:

“I am my own Magic – My Light – Always in Pleasure”.

I will write on more of my mantra in my next entries.

Have a blessed Monday, everyone.

Om Shanti.

Vivian

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Indeed, you have always considered what’s best for yourself. Alone. You always come out on top. In your list of priorities, self preservation appears three times at the top 10. I don’t think I will ever understand who you are because I will never discover what you need. Your ex was right, “There are people like her. Up until the end, they will never find what it is they’re looking for.” And I am supposed to take pity on this weakness of yours. I will not because I know you don’t want that. You have too much pride. In fact, you seemed too apologetic when I arrived at the emergency room. That disgusting excuse for a hospital. Your left leg dangling on the side. Your soiled shirt covering your exposed legs. I made no effort to fix your person. In fact I held on to my thick scarf. Just in case you might think I will let you use it. And now you are winning again. You always succeed in giving us more shit. I’m so tired of your shit. Growing up with that smell. I have managed to get rid of it years ago. And you’re back with more. Really? When will my burden of being borne out of you end?

10 minutes at the bank

I want to have another baby.

There I said it.

After staring at this beautiful picture-perfect family while at the bank.

Cute chubby cheeks, toothless smile. I can almost hear his giggles.

awwwww…

Then I turn impatient. Look at my feet.

What a gross looking floor. Cheap china salt and pepper tiles. And that granite on the counter! It clashes with the cobalt blue on the wall behind the teller. Get me out of this place. I’ve been waiting in line for more than 5 minutes. Always like this! I will definitely open a new account with the other bank that just opened this month. Definitely.

Oh, great. It’s my turn.

Good bye chubby cheeks. Good bye perfect family. See you again next time I drop by the bank.

ABMBTN (air bubble in my mouth, breathing through my nose)

So many things coming out of my brain

trying to escape through my mouth

my physical self can only handle so much

and time is my enemy at the present

oh, time, time, time

you always trick me in to thinking you do not exist

you let me float in my dreams drifting from the past to present and future and past again

on this boat of comfort and laziness

then you tip me over

it’s so hard to fight drowning in my dream self

i cannot move my dream legs and arms as hard as i want to

and i lose my breath

and i let you become the water which engulfs me and envelops me in this warm soft comfortable liquid

and my dream starts again

Hello Ciao Hello

Dear M,

Nice to hear from you again after 8 years.

wow

Has it really been that long already? Not one letter to your best friend aka yourself? Must be really overwhelming to hear about everything that has happened to you…

but

I am happy.

still

We see each other again. Yes. Contact. This is the most important thing. Let’s move on again together. Hand in hand. Heart to heart. Mind to mind. Best friends forever.

promise

Don’t leave me again. Don’t betray me. Don’t lose. Don’t hate me.

ever

Love me again.

Yours forever,

M